Torah Portion:	Ki Tisa – Parah
Synagogue:	Shira Chadasha (Partnership Orthodox)
Walking time from home:	25 minutes
Reason for going:	My sister and I sponsoring the kiddush
Kiddush:	Lots of variety

For the last eleven years, my sister and I have sponsored a kiddush in memory of our mother at the Shira synagogue, and I have given the sermon, partly connected to the portion of the week, and partly to our mother. This year my sister joined me in speaking, and rather than write a blog this week, what follows is our (slightly edited) speech.

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ALEX: Hello on behalf of myself and my sister Rachel, and thank you again for allowing us to honour our mother’s Yahrzeit, this year being the 31st year since her passing. This is the tenth time in eleven years that I have honoured my mother in this way, for the annual Miriam Kats memorial oration, as I call it, having started it for the 20th Yahrzeit. We missed one due to lockdown, but we are making up for it by continuing the tradition and by having both of us speak today.

RACHEL: I’ll let Alex speak about the portion of the week and what it means, but I want to begin by also thanking the shule for this opportunity, and thanking Alex for giving me this platform to speak... or maybe it would be more accurate to say that Alex strongly suggested that I also speak in public, which is not what I like to do.

ALEX: So turning to the parsha, as we just read, today was a double combination of Ki Tisa and Parah, which does not happen every year, and apart from it falling in the week of our mother’s Yahrzeit and just after Purim, it is also my Bar Mitzvah parsha. Ki Tisa contains the famous episode of the golden calf, whilst Parah is about the bizarre red heifer and its implications regarding purity.

As I said, this is the tenth time that I am speaking here for my mother’s Yahrzeit, and since it is always at around the same time of year, this is the third time in that period that Ki Tisa has come up, and the second time that it is combined with Parah. So I don’t really want to dwell on the golden calf or even on the red cow specifically. Instead, I want to focus on two things: Shabbat, and timing.

For those who were following the reading, you would have noticed that just before the section about the golden calf, there is a seemingly misplaced section about Shabbat. But even then, it’s not really about what happens on Shabbat. The section simply says that Shabbat needs to be kept and this is done by ceasing to do work on that day. All the laws, customs and rules that we have about Shabbat these days essentially stem from the 39 things that the people had to stop doing when building the Mishkan – the Tabernacle – and this is despite the fact that the work they were doing was for a holy purpose.

Then, after that word from our sponsor, we return to the real story at hand, which in this case is about the people being bored and annoyed, and taking out their frustrations by building a quasi-deity – very much an idol, which in Judaism is clearly not holy. Maybe the seemingly out of place section about Shabbat is there to contrast the holy from the unholy – which is partly the purpose of Shabbat every week anyway. Maybe also that section is there to prepare us for what is about to come – which will turn out to be a turning point on the journey from Egypt to the Promised Land.

My second area of focus, as I mentioned, is about timing. The golden calf becomes such a turning point in fact, and such a symbol of idolatry and hedonism on the part of the Bnei Yisrael, that when Parah is read together with Ki Tisa, it is said that the purification process accelerated by the red cow is almost an antidote – an atonement – for the golden calf. Although they are both stories about cows, one is used for holy purposes and the other is a depiction of a very unholy cow.

The real reason though for reading about the purification processes initiated by the red cow is to link Purim and Pesach. Parah is always read in combination with another portion and always on the Shabbat immediately after Purim. Since Purim falls exactly one month before Pesach, reading about purification is supposed to remind the Jews of old to cleanse and purify themselves before embarking on the pilgrimage to Jerusalem for Pesach. In our modern times, maybe it is just after Purim to remind people to cleanse themselves after too much intoxication.

Either way, it is about timing. As we know, Pesach has very specific steps and rituals associated with it, and the four special readings in the weeks leading up to Pesach – starting a couple of weeks ago – are all part of the preparatory journey. To be truly ready for Pesach therefore, one needs to be prepared and cleansed.

I mention all this because in some ways I see some parallels to my mum’s story. As I’ve said here before, our mother was in hospital for most of our childhoods. Yet on occasions, because of her bipolar condition, she was well enough to come home and spend extended periods with us. In her eleven plus year battle with diseases, hospitals and medical staff, these periods of respite – these Shabbats if you will – were about the cessation of her normality. They sometimes seemed out of place, and often they proved to be so, but they were also periods of bliss, and were necessary for both her and us to contrast a life in hospital with a life at home. In a sense, they also helped prepare us for an adult life without our mother, because both Rachel and I have very few memories of mum, but all the memories we do have are from the times when she was able to be with us at home, even if only for a little while.

In a broader sense, I started keeping Shabbat properly the same year that my mother died. Although I have fluctuated in some of my observances over the years, I still feel very connected to the idea of Shabbat and as an aside – if you haven’t seen me much at this shule of late, it is because I am visiting as many different shules as I can this year, and writing a blog about it. But I digress. Shabbat in a weird and possibly out of place kind of way, often makes me feel connected to my mother, even though I don’t ever recall her doing anything related to Shabbat. When I cease to do the normal things that I do each week, there is some kind of supernal and eternal bond that I sometimes feel very profoundly with my mother.

Equally so when it comes to timing. Although Purim is always a joyous festival, I’m not entirely sure that I have experienced it with abandon since the year my mum died. That year, I distinctly remember going to a Purim party in the morning and then visiting my mum in hospital that afternoon. Although she died a week later, that was the last time I saw her alive, and ever since, although I have been to many Purim events and have always had a good time, Purim is in some way in my mind connected to my mum’s passing. And in a sense so is Pesach. The year that I had my Bar Mitzvah – on this parsha – my mum was in hospital for the entire period covering Purim, Pesach and a number of other months. As such, she missed my pivotal moment, and Judaism’s pivotal festival. Though she was at a few others after that, in general even in our case, Pesach has always been one festival where the whole family usually comes together, and since her passing, we have never been a full family.

But at the same time, much has happened in the 31 years since she died, and much of it has been wonderful and blessed. We still have three living grandparents, and Rachel has two beautiful daughters. In fact, the older one is named after our mother and in a few months will be celebrating her Bat Mitzvah. So with that, it is now time to pass back to Rachel for her to share some thoughts as well.

RACHEL: I’m not so keen on public speaking, but I do have a few things I’d like to add. As Alex mentioned, this year we will be celebrating my older daughter’s Bat Mitzvah. Even though we are not particularly observant and we don’t attend shule regularly, this is an important milestone for us all and Emma is very aware and proud of what it means. To my husband and I in particular, being Jewish is about culture and values, and being a Jewish adult means being kind, intelligent and community-minded. Hopefully, these are the values that we demonstrate to our children.

Even though I didn’t have much time with my mother as a child, I certainly remember her kindness and intelligence. Mum died when I was about the same age as Emma is now – a few months before my Bat Mitzvah. I’m sure on the day of Emma’s it will be an emotional time for all of us, but maybe even more so for me. But I also know that mum will be looking down on us that day, as she always does, and would be very proud of both her granddaughters. We are trying to instil values in our kids so that her legacy lives on in all of us.

I wish you all the best and look forward to sharing the annual Miriam Kats Memorial Oration with this shule community in future years. Thank you.

ALEX: To finish off, I want to again thank the shule for this opportunity. This year, as we recover from Purim, prepare for Pesach and stand here on this Shabbat, I hope that all of us have the chance to look at the perspective that a Shabbat provides, and to not take things too much for granted. Thank you.